What is this?

On Feb 4, 2026, I started an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). I plan to journal after each session (three days a week). This was supposed to be a 12-week-long process, but I ended up switching IOPs partway through, so it may end up being a 16-week-long process. The projected end of the program is May 15, 2026.

Why are you doing this?

The main reason is for me to see if I’ve changed over the course of this Mental Health Focus chapter of my life.

A smaller part of me hopes that I can reach someone else by publicizing my journey for anyone considering an IOP.

An even smaller part of me admits that this is driven by my desire to find someone who has a similar story to mine. I’ve been doing a lot of research and reading lately, and I found that, while I am able to find books/articles about any one of the big themes of my life right now (C-PTSD, suicidality, domestic abuse, poor working single-momhood, grief and widowhood, queerness, the experience of a Korean-American), there is no single source that encompasses everything altogether. I can definitely try to tend to each part of me separately, but I keep finding that I’m unable to connect to other stories because of some other part of me. There are gay moms out there, but not many gay single moms. The stay-at-home mom experience is totally different from the working mom experience. The hetero parent experience is totally different from the gay parent experience. The financially-stable single mom experience is totally different from the poor single mom experience. Even single moms with living exes are totally different from single moms whose partners have died. I try to reach out or read stories that match with one part of me, but when I realize that I’m not able to really connect, it just makes me feel even lonelier. I feel like I’m the only one with all these labels/experiences, and I guess I’m hoping to possibly meet someone else out there who has experienced all this, as well.

Who are you?

My name is Brigid Choi. I am 33 as of March 2026. I am Korean-American with immigrant parents. I’m gay (begrudgingly technically bi, but I am never going to be with a man again), and I use any pronouns (no preference; they are all right and wrong in different ways, and I have given up trying to figure it out). I have an awesome son who is 3 as March 2026 (also he is mixed). I was raised Catholic, but I have been atheist for a long time now. I don’t have much money or help, but I’m working hard to make it work. I have a Master of Arts in Teaching English Language Arts for Secondary Education, and I’m a substitute teacher. I live in the greater Seattle area.

My husband was emotionally abusive and had ALS, a terminal illness. After six years together (and after 4.5 years of being his only caregiver), I finally took our baby and left, and a few days later, my husband ended his life via Death With Dignity.

I have had three interrupted suicide attempts between the ages of 18-30. I have had three hospitalizations: two for interrupted suicide attempts and one for intention to self-harm. I think I’ve been depressed all my life (my mom emotionally abused me, and I lived with her throughout all of childhood, so it’s hard to pinpoint the exact start of my depression. I will say, however, that I remember my passive suicidal ideation starting at the age of 10). According to various scales and systems, I apparently have Severe Depression. I will also say that I believe I have high-functioning anxiety (self-diagnosed), and my dietician says that I have disordered eating habits, although I lack a specific label or diagnosis for such behaviors.

At one point, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Over the years, many mental health professionals have had different thoughts about the diagnosis, ranging from flat out denial to skepticism of personality disorders in general. My current therapist said that, rather than having Borderline, I have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I like watching anime (my favorites are Haikyuu and Hunter x Hunter), reading manga, listening to audiobooks, and playing video games (my favorites are Splatoon and Genshin Impact)– although I struggle to do any of this with the limited free time I have. I love boba, yogurt, and cereal. Currently trying to exercise more and physically just be outside more.

I have an extremely low sense of self-worth, and I believe that this is the root of all my issues. If I can fix this, I think everything else will work itself out accordingly. I’ve been used to just accepting this as a fact and basing my life choices around this idea, but I realized more recently that I need to change my beliefs and behaviors if I want to be a good mom to my son. I know I need to change, but I don’t know how to, and I don’t know if it’s even possible to do so. This chapter of my life is my attempt to change. We’ll see how it goes.

Thank you for being here with me.